VG Pocket Tablet: Featuring Stuntman Daredevil!

Seattle is having some majorly awesome weather so I really would rather be outside working on my sun burn and flying kites rather than inside writing about handheld games. To anyone that does not have a kite and is considering a handheld gaming purchase I recommend you instead consider a dual line power foil kite. For a bit more then the price of a PSP game you can get a 1.2 Snapshot Kite from Prism. If however you hate beautiful weather and yourself, you might instead consider the VG Pocket Tablet. The VG Series of portable game machines include the VG Pocket Tablet, VG Pocket Caplet, and VG Pocket Suppository, all of which advertise extended time released relief for all day gaming needs.

The VG Pocket Tablet really does seem promising upon initial inspection. It does not take carts but instead comes pre loaded with 25 games. It is small and sturdy feeling with a very interesting over the counter medicine inspired design. It is kind of like a giant aspirin, with buttons. The buttons and switches feel nice and springy and/or switchy. Once the needed 3 AAA buttons are loaded the unit feels just heavy enough to bean someone without breaking the unit. Once powered on, the main screen has a very cool retro modern look: “VG” in stylized pixilated letters and “POCKET” in all caps in what looks vaguely like Bank Gothic MD BT font with "Portable gaming device" written underneath. Press either the A or B buttons and another title screen appears with a picture that looks like it could be very well lifted from a classic Frogger arcade cabinet. The screen declares: “FROGGER 25 GAMES Frogger® and Konami® are trademarks of Konami Digital Entertainment Co. Ltd.(c)2006”. None of the other 24 games have anything to do with Konami.

Frogger appears to be a perfect port of the arcade version of Frogger from 1981. If you don’t know Frogger play it here http://www.froggyville.com/frogger.htm or watch the video from Mega64.com below. If you absolutely love Frogger and only Frogger, this is the system for you. If you would like to play games other than Frogger you might reconsider.

Besides Frogger the system has such awesomely named games as Mr. Onion, Whack the Critter, and Stuntman Daredevil. The names of the games are like what a 3rd grader might come up with. I don’t think the names adequately describe the games so I came up with my own names for them. Below is a complete list of games as well as my alternate names.

Frogger AKA Frogger

Funny Fungi AKA Press B 3 Times to Lose Game (Seriously it is that easy.)

Lord of the Jewels AKA Michael Flatley's Lord of the Jewels (This is actually a decent clone of a classic NES puzzle game Magic Jewelry.)

Leaper the Frog AKA Leaper the Suicidal Frog (Game play involves plummeting toward the bottom of the screen but not too fast or you die.)

Mutant Hunt AKA Super Shitty Xevious

Off Roader AKA In This Game You Race on a Road Asshat!

Sudoku Quiz AKA Sudoku Quiz IV: Revenge of the Sodoku Master and the 7 Fists of Doom (This could be fun if you like Sodoku?)

Risk It! AKA Boring Hotel (I was expecting a Risk clone and was sorely disappointed.)

Stellar Attack AKA R-Gradius: Attack of the Defender Clone

Battle Blocks AKA Breakernoid

Construction Jack AKA Link’s Masonry Training

Memory Matching AKA Nietzsche’s Cultural Nihilism, and Oppositional Politics the Game

Track Star AKA Track and I wish I was flying my Prism 3 dual line power foil kite.

River Quest AKA Go Go Go to the Right!

Star Alley AKA 1942… in Space

Motorcross Racer AKA I swear I’m playing Road Rash so why won’t the attack button work?

Pinball Labyrinth AKA WTF?

Billiards AKA 6 Ball WTF?

Vitamania AKA Suppositorymania

Mr. Onion AKA Kirby’s Handgun

Delivery Express AKA Self Loathing, the minimum wage job simulator

Birds of Prey AKA Arnold Schwarzenegger VS the Spotted Owl

Whack the Critter AKA Whack the Critter (I suppose you could call this Caddyshack the Game but honestly the name is perfect.)

Stuntman Daredevil AKA Daredevil Stuntman (Game is played entirely with one button.)

Delta Fighter AKA Star Alley

The games range from horribly unplayable to sub-par clones of popular games to merely questionable. The best of the games make me wish I was playing the game that the Tablet version was cribbed off of. As an example the very familiar Stellar Attack AKA R-Gradius: Attack of the Defender Clone which is just like R-type or Gradius but not as fun. There are some fascinating selections, not because they are particularly good but because they are funny.

In Stuntman Daredevil you must press the A button to fill up a speed gauge, when you let go and your Daredevil Stuntman car rushes up a ramp and thru the air where it must land in a safe area the exact size of the Stuntman Daredevil car. That is provided that you don’t press A too quickly or your car will crawl slowly up the ramp. Use the brake Stuntman Daredevil! Also, couldn’t team Daredevil Stuntman clear the landing area a little better? These ‘stunts’ are just foolhardy. The game is actually a bit enjoyable in the way that a Wario Ware mini game is fun. The best thing about it is the name. Like if you named a game Pugilist Boxer or Outlaw Bandit.

Another personal favorite is Arnold Schwarzenegger VS the Spotted Owl. Arnold is in Dutch Tahiti (I am only guessing but there is both a windmill and some straw huts in the background) armed with a high powered rifle. He is given the job of ridding Dutch Tahiti of the invasive non-native species, the spotted owl, which is overrunning the islands. Kill enough and you get to kill more; fail and the word “FAIL” appears and you are required to kill more. Die, spotted owl, die!

In short Everything is good about the system except for the most important thing, the games.

Scores:

Screen: 10/10 Quite bright with no noticeable ghosting, great resolution colors really pop. I wish this screen was on a different system.

Sound: 7/10 Has one speaker that sounds decent enough but does not get very loud. System has no headphone jack but does have an AV out.

Controls: 7/10 Controls pad and buttons feel responsive but are crammed together so your hands have to be very close together.

Availability: 6/10 Available used online but generally overpriced.

Price: 1-6/10 Anywhere between $10 and $60 on E-bay depending on how insane people are feeling. Totally worth $5, if you like Frogger, or really bad games.

Library: 1/10 Frogger and 24 of the shittiest games known to man.

Overall: 5/10 Since the only game worth playing is Frogger. You need to ask yourself, how much do I love Frogger? If the answer is, “I break into a sweat at the very thought of the game” or, “I am trying to popularize the term ‘Amphiby’ with my cosplay group”, the system might be right for

I am Handheld Branding Contest!

Hello my few but loyal readers. Today I am announcing the I am Handheld Branding Contest. The rules are simple, Create a logo, slogan, mascot, jingle, banner, Power Point presentation, or other piece of electronic media that you think would best help I am Handheld become the ‘next big meme’. All entries are due by April 30^th and the winner will be announced May 3^rd. All entries should be sent to sean_fear@hotmail.com and may be used on I am Handheld. All entries will remain the intellectual property of the winner but will be considered useable in any form, shape, or permutation by I am Handheld under the creative commons license.

Prizes:

One winner will receive a reconditioned VG Pocket Caplet handheld game system and will have their creation featured on I am Handheld. The VG Pocket system takes 3 AAA batteries and has 35 built-in games including three well-known classics – Space Invaders, Bust-A-Move, and Burger Time – the VG Pocket Caplet features a 2.5'' TFT LCD screen, four face buttons, and one D-pad. Any runner ups will receive my sincerest thanks and will have their creation featured on I am Handheld.

I am Handheld reserves the right to cancel, terminate or modify the contest if it is not capable of completion as planned for any reason, including, but not limited to, infection by computer virus, bugs, tampering, unauthorized intervention or technical failures of any kind.

Good Luck!

More System Photos.

New additions Include VG Pocket, FC Mobile, Coleco 20 Sega Games, Pocketfami, Nickelodeon Back to the Barnyard and Nintendo Virtual boy.

Sonic the Hedgehog Handheld Roundup.

A true side by side comparison of handheld machines is often difficult. This is due to the fact that there are not many games that are on several systems. One of the few exceptions to the rule is Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic is on so many platforms that it’s ridiculous. How the hell many times is the blue hedgehog going to have to go up against Dr. Robotnik? Read on for a partial count.

DS and PSP: The New

I have not played any of the Sonic games for the current generation of handhelds but as I understand they are quite decent. They share a lot of qualities that the GBA version has which almost puts them in a different category from the older handhelds. If for some reason you are actually here to get information before making a purchasing decision for a current gen handheld game, I would recommend Metacritic as a good place to start your research. If you want to know how Sonic compares on ‘classic’ handhelds, read on.

Game Boy Advance: The Awesome

Sonic Advance 2 was released in 2003 so Sonic is a little taller, a little more svelte, and much more sassy. He is the edgy Sonic. Some people might be turned off by the visual style, and ‘cool’ Sonictude, remembering the repeated failed attempts to both edgy up and bring Sonic into the realm of 3D gaming. This Sonic deserves a chance because, as I like to say, game-play is king. Even if you are turned off by the art style and the almost painfully self conscious attempts to make Sonic hip, give the game a chance. It is undeniable that his animation is excellent and he has a large move set which is set against some really nice art. It’s almost unfair to compare this Sonic to the original Sonic since they are so different in attitude. But strip away the attitude and some extra mechanics and there is a pure Sonic experience. This is Sonic at his best. Since it is compatible with anything from the GBA to the DS Lite there can be a bit of visual variation. Honestly it looks good on any of the platforms. The Micro and DS Lite screens are super bright so the colors really pop and are clear even at high speed. This Sonic is fast, hella fast, fast enough that there is a special move where he ‘breaks the sound barrier’ and can run across water. The level design is great, the visuals are great; this is an excellent game. If you like Sonic and have a system that can play GBA games, you should pick this up. I really have no caveats about this version of Sonic. It’s newer and it’s flashier but it is at the same time Sonic. Sonic with more bells and whistles which some fogies might not like but they should give it a chance. Beware though: don’t accidentally pick up Sonic The Hedgehog Genesis for GBA on accident. It is supposed to be awful.

Neo-Geo Pocket Color: The Good

The most needs to be said about Sonic on Neo-Geo because it is so similar to the original and yet has its own identity. Neo-Geo Pocket Color does not have a backlight however it is still a pretty fantastic handheld. It is 16 bit which should be the right amount of power for the classic side scrolling Sonic we know and love. I booted up my copy of Sonic the Hedgehog Pocket Adventure which came out in 99’. The Sega logo pops up and the familiar “Sega” sound byte precedes the title screen. The title screen has bright primary colors that pop as much as they can under proper light without any backlighting. The screen resolution is a bit low at 160x152 and the sprites have serious color limitations of a mere 4 colors per sprite. These limitations don’t hurt this port at all. As a matter of fact the limitations hurt none of the Neo-Geo Pocket Color games. The games are all perfectly designed for the system. In any case, Sonic only needs blue, red, white, and black and once Sonic is in motion you don’t even notice the low resolution. The game features Sonic solo for the bulk of the game perhaps to keep things fast. If that is the case, I applaud the developer. The game starts with the late 90’s sounding stage named Neo South Island which looks just like Green Hill Zone. Many of the stages have old school design but with newer sounding names. For example, Casino Zone becomes Cosmic Casino and Aquatic Zone becomes Aquatic Relix (if the game was made today the level would have undoubtedly been called Aquatic Relicz). The levels are generally well designed with a very original Sonic focus on speed for the bulk of the game. There is a distinct flavor to the game which makes it feel expansive with many paths for the player to follow. There are a couple exceptions such as the Sky Chase level which features a cameo by Tails who pilots a barnstormer type airplane which Sonic must ride on top of thru a side scrolling R-Type type level. These levels only slightly detract from the game and, if a bit unnecessary, do not hurt the game. This Sonic has a very basic move list consisting of just the power rev that was introduced in the second Sonic game on the Genesis. Once things get moving Sonic moves at just the right speed with no slowdown and no visible ghosting. The game is very enjoyable and is nearly flawless in its execution. The game does not feel cheap, there are not too many platforming sections that lead to instant death, the rings are a bit oversized to make them easy to see, and the enemy sprites look great. The boss battles follow the classic “find a way to hit the Dr. in the head” format but have a fair amount of variety. The sound is not great but the familiar Sonic tunes are all there. This is truly Sonic at the top of his game. It’s not quite the original but it is one of the best Sonics out there.

Sega Game Gear: The Bad

I took a look at both Sonic the Hedgehog and Sonic the Hedgehog 2 on the Game Gear. I’ll be clear up front: the negatives outweigh the positives on these. The game itself is solid enough but the Game Gear was not the right platform for Sonic. Sonic had to be on the Game Gear as he was the flagship character of the Sega Empire when the Game Gear was released. Unfortunately, the Game Gear can’t quite keep up with Sonic. Not in any processing way, no he moves along at full regular super sonic speed, but the screen! The screen has terrible ghosting which makes it very difficult to tell what is going on once Sonic gets sprinting. Add to this issue the fact that these are not straight ports and other issues creep up. Both of the Sonic the Hedgehog games on the Game Gear are only somewhat based off the originals on the Genesis but the feel is somehow quite different. Primarily, both of the games have a large amount of dangerous sections where a player moving at full speed will fall into a pit of spikes, lava, or a bottomless chasm. Perhaps this is a design decision to encourage players to play a bit slower or perhaps the designers merely wanted to be more similar to the Genesis sequels which tended to have a greater focus on platforming over the raw speed of the original Sonic. Regardless it is frustrating. Fortunately, at least in the first Sonic for Game Gear many of the spike pits have a bit of questionable collision and death can be avoided if they are hit at full tilt. The developer did at least make the sprites for both rings and enemies nice and large but it doesn’t really manage to make the games easy to play. A true Sonic fanatic might want to play these but in general these games are hampered by the hardware.

Game.com: The Ass

Sonic Jam is ass. Take everything bad I said about all the other versions of Sonic and they are worse in this version. Game.com tried to make the game appealing by having Sonic 2, Sonic 3, and Sonic and Knuckles in one package. Unfortunately they all suck. Here is the bad: the screen is hard to see and has awful ghosting, the game slows down terribly with more than a couple sprites on screen at once which, combined with the sluggish controls, makes things frustrating. If you wanted, you could easily count the frames of animation for the sprites of the main characters. The good: tails can fly by repeatedly pressing the jump button. This is kind of cool in a completely game breaking sort of way. I wish this was in a good Sonic game. Also the developer had the good sense to make the sprites absolutely huge so that they can be seen on the totally crappy Game.com screen. Bottom line, I have pooped better games in my sleep. The truly unfortunate thing is that it is possible that there could be a good game buried under all the technical limitations of the Game.com. I highly doubt it but can’t stand playing the game long enough to tell.

Sega Nomad: The Best!

Sega Nomad is your best option. Why? Because it is portable Sonic in its purest form. In case you don’t already know, the Nomad is the official portable Sega Genesis. Sure the Nomad has its faults: it eats batteries and does not have the best screen. However the Nomad can double as a Genesis and be hooked up to a TV and used with an external controller. The Genesis created Sonic and there is a reason it was shipped with the Genesis. Sonic was so good he could sell systems. Sonic on Genesis is what all other Sonic games must be measured against. And Nomad is the closest you can get without using a home console… Well, almost.

Zodiac, GP2X, and Your Cell phone: The Rest

Want to play Sonic on the go in its original form without owning a Nomad? There are options. I can’t speak to the quality of the versions of Sonic I have heard about for sale on the I-pod or Cell phone, but I understand they are pretty straight ports. There are also some VG Pocket and Onestation type options. These are funny little systems that come either preloaded with games or feature proprietary cartridges of dubious origin. I haven’t seen Sonic on these systems, but I have found the VG pocket and Onestation products to have very nice screens and generally nice hardware. The other option involves emulation. Unless you own the original cartridge and have checked your local laws, I cannot recommend this option. If you do own the cart and can legally back up your games, your few options include the Tapwave Zodiac (a gaming optimized PDA) or the GP2X. If you are going to go down this path I would recommend the GP2X as it has a strong homebrew community, runs Linux, a lovely backlit screen, and excellent controls. You could always hack your PSP but while Sony actively discourages homebrew, GP2X thrives on it.